I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
