You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.