This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
