I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
