I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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