i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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