So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
