I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
