the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
