i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
