i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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