She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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