Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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