Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
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