I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
