Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
