I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
