for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
