Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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