somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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