Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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