so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
