i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
