chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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