I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
