Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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