Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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