At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
