I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
