im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
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Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
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THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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