Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
