So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
