I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
