i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Two words: blizzard sex
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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