i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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