I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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