You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
