There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
