youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
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You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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