he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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