I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
