Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
whose parrot is this?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
