I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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