Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
