plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
