I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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