Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
