I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
