They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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