I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
