fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
