Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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