i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
