it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
