would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
