WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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