his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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