Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
