We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
